A lot of guys think of the top as the "man" - it's a whole macho thing. I don't buy it.

Are you a top? What does that really mean? Who calls the shots? Who has the power in the relationship? How do you protect yourself and your partner?

The get REAL project talked to Steven, a 27 year-old man who lives in Philadelphia, about his experiences:

get REAL Interviewer: Would you say you’re more of a top or more of a bottom?
Steven: Usually I prefer to top.

gRI: Why is that?
S: Well, a lot of guys seem to think of the top as the “man”—it’s this whole macho thing. I don’t buy it. It’s not about how masculine I am, or the size of my dick, or some kind of image I’m trying to put out. I just like how it feels to top.

gRI: What about the “macho” thing don’t you like?
S: I just don’t like when it’s an act. When guys use it to say, “oh, I might be gay but I’m still a man.” That’s basically saying people who act “gay” aren’t real men, and you’re better than them. I don’t agree with that. And anyway, having sex with men in the first place seems a little gay, doesn’t it?

gRI: How do you think that plays out during sex?
S: It can make the top feel superior. A lot of tops think it’s all about them, like the other guy’s just there to get them off. To me, it should be equal. Both of us should enjoy it and both of us should get off.

gRI: So how do you make it equal?
S: Well for starters, I’ve learned to slow things down. It’s not like in porn where the dude just spits in his hand and goes crazy. That doesn’t work for everyone. A lot of guys I’ve been with like it more when you take some time for them to get relaxed.

gRI: You mean—
S: Back there, yeah. It only hurts because you’re tensed up. When you can relax your muscles it feels way better.

gRI: Spoken like someone who knows!
S: Ha! Well, I can’t say I don’t dabble every now and then. Topping is a preference, not a rule.

gRI: Okay, so what about playing safe?
S: Well of course there’s condoms. But besides that, I think slowing things down actually makes it safer. If the guy’s relaxed then there’s less chance for him getting some little tearing back there, less chance of blood, so it’s less likely to get an STD. If the guy’s obviously in pain, or he’s got to get high or something to deal with the pain, that means I’m doing it wrong.

gRI: So you slow it down.
S: Yeah, and to listen to the guy. The bottom sets the limits. For the guy topping it’s easy: stick it in, pull it out, repeat. For the guy bottoming it’s more complicated. So when I’m with someone I think it’s my job to make sure he’s enjoying himself. If he’s really into it, that makes it better for me too. It’s a turn-on.

gRI: Great, well thanks Connor.
C: Cool, no problem.


Get REAL’s Tips for Tops:

· Anal sex is the riskiest kind of sex for transmitting HIV or other STDs. Using condoms GREATLY reduces your risk.

· Use a LOT of lube, especially if you masturbate before anal sex. Some guys use it as a way to last longer, but masturbating can chafe the skin on your penis and make it easier for HIV or STDs to infect you.

· Beforehand, check around your partner’s anus for any sores or lesions. If there is any tearing, bleeding, or broken skin, using a condom is even more important.

· If you have a foreskin, pull it back and clean underneath after having sex. Use a mild soap or PLAIN cornstarch—nothing scented or abrasive.

· Use a LOT of lube. Yeah, we already said it, but it’s really that important.

· Urinate after sex. This will help clear any viruses or bacteria that may have gotten into the tip of your penis during penetration.

· Using drugs like crystal meth or poppers don’t make a man’s anus any more “receptive.” They just mask the pain. There’s still just as much risk for HIV or STD infection. To keep healthy, both partners can stay sober and aware of their bodies.

· Listen to your partner! He can tell you how fast is too fast, how slow is too slow, how hard is too hard…you get the idea. Respect his comfort level and you’ll both have a good time.

I don't cling to labels. It's just about being open and taking care of yourself

Ever want to try bottoming? For a lot of guys, it’s embarrassing to talk about how to do it right. Will it hurt? Will it be messy? What do I have to do beforehand? How do I do it safely?

The get REAL project talked to James, a 19 about his experiences:

get REAL Interviewer: So, would you say you’re more of a top, or more of a bottom?
James: Well, a few months ago I would have said vers/top. Now I’m more vers/bottom.

gRI: How did you switch?
J: It sort of happened all at once. This one guy—I met him online—we hooked up a few times and really hit it off. When he asked to top me, I was a little reluctant, but I really liked him so I said ok. Wasn’t expecting much (laughs).

gRI: Why not?
J: With other guys it was always really uncomfortable. I felt like I was going to shit the whole time and I didn’t like that. It felt awful and I was really tense, so I never took to it.

gRI: What was different about this guy?
J: To tell you the truth, I think it was cause he was bigger than most other guys I’d been with. I know it might sound crazy. It hurt a little more at first, but once I relaxed it felt amazing. The pain/pleasure feeling turned me on. Plus he was really good at foreplay, getting me relaxed…he went slow, which really helped.

gRI: Rather than just—
J: Stick it in? Yeah, that’s not cute (laughs).

gRI: What else do you need to do beforehand?
J: For bottoming? Well, after that night I wanted to try it again, but I had to find out how to do it. Tops have it so easy! Just whip it out, get a condom and you’re good to go. We have to shower; clean…it’s a mess. Sometimes literally.

gRI: Seems like a lot of guys get anxious about that.
J: Yeah. At first I bought a douching system but that can dry you out and irritate. So, just soap and water. It’s more about making sure you’re completely empty beforehand, and just clean yourself. Hopefully there won’t be any surprises, but it happens.

gRI: Where did you go for advice about all this?
J: I asked some of my friends who were bottoms, but mostly went online. That can be hit or miss, but there’s some good stuff out there. A lot is common sense. Make sure you lube a lot. You can think you have too much and you don’t really have enough. That can be nasty cause of the friction—it hurts and you’re actually doing damage. Makes it easier for you to catch something.

gRI: Thanks for talking, James.
J: Sure. I hope it helps.


Maintaining anal health is important for men who practice penis to anus penetration regularly. Your anus is home to lots of bacteria and hygiene is a big issue when you’re having anal sex. Lubrication, cleanliness and condoms reduce the chance of tearing and minimize the risk of transmitting disease during anal sex.

The anus does not produce lubrication; it must be applied. Anal skin and tissue is likely to tear when it is dry, so lubrication is important before penetration. Lubricant should be water based or “condom/latex friendly,” not oil based.

Important tips to remember:

· The overuse of enemas can destroy the normal, healthy balance of bacteria in the lower intestine. Therefore, it is very important that you do not use enemas (douche) before anal sex. Anything other than water can cause irritation to the lining of your rectum. This makes you more likely to get HIV or another STI.

· Flooding your rectum with water dehydrates the colon. This makes your colon more apt to absorb other fluids. If a condom were to break, your colon would absorb the semen and if your partner were HIV positive it would make you more likely to get HIV.

· If you use a large amount water to clean yourself prior to anal sex, you might not get the water out in time. The pressure of your partner’s penis will push this residual water (and all the feces left in your bowel) out, making a bigger mess than you set out to avoid.

· Lubricants that contain nonoxnyl-9 spermicide should be avoided because they may increase your risk for transmission of HIV.

Fortunately for all of us, there are some steps that you can take to clean yourself up before sex:

· Wipe the area down with a moist cloth to clean the outside.

· Don’t eat for a few hours before sex. Eating stimulates the bowel and will cause your body to create more feces.

· Fill an ear syringe (the blue bulb with the tapered nozzle) with warm (not hot) water and gently squeeze it into your rectum. This small amount of water will not cause any damage and should remove any residue left inside your anus.

· Relax. Sex is messy. If you make a mess, wash it up with soapy water. Isn’t showering after sex part of the fun anyway?

If you choose to have anal sex, there are a number of ways to make it safer and pleasurable. The bottom line is, listen to your body. If it doesn’t feel good, stop. Above all else, take care of your ass and your ass will take care of you.

http://www.getrealphilly.org/